Self-love, self-development, self-esteem—we hear these words so often, but have you ever stopped to think about what they really mean and how they could be impacting your day-to-day life, as well as your ability to achieve success, love, respect, and evolution? In this article we’re going to be looking into self-esteem; what it is, why it’s important, and also delving into the less talked about the shadow side of self-esteem-how to develop healthy self-esteem habits so you can be confident and assertive without tipping into arrogance or self-indulgence.
What is self-esteem?
The word “esteem” is defined as “respect and admiration.” Therefore, to have self-esteem is to hold your self-image in a respectful light; it is to admire yourself by recognizing your good qualities and to treat yourself in a way that shows respect. A big part of self-esteem comes from the values we hold, which link in with our overall self-concept. To explain this, if we hold strong values in life and try as best as we can to live by those values, we will feel that we are living in a way that makes us feel good, a way that enables us to feel respect and admiration for ourselves, which, in turn, gives us an overall better self-concept. If, however, we are living in a way that does not uphold our values, it may be that we have not defined our values yet, but every person will subconsciously know what they do and do not value in life. We will lose that respect for ourselves and, therefore, we won’t hold ourselves in high esteem.
There have been studies done that say self-esteem is one of the most important underpinning factors to good mental health and that being without it can lead to depression and mental illness. Whereas something like self-love, which while being an incredibly important part of this human experience, is something that can certainly negatively influence mindset and behavior if not nurtured, self-esteem (or a lack thereof) can actually create feelings of true hate and disgust towards oneself because it highlights an internal misalignment. In truth, a feeling of low self-love most commonly stems from low self-esteem, so while consciously taking part in self-loving activities is great, if you don’t take the time to address the underlying lack of self-esteem, it’s highly likely you won’t achieve long-term results.
In today’s world, a world of social media and instant gratification – a world that encourages comparison – it can be difficult to nurture self-esteem because it can become so reliant on external factors, for example, wealth and material goods, rather than the true core of esteem which is achievement and pride.
Why do we need self-esteem?
Aside from the benefits to overall mental health and happiness, having a high level of self-esteem will help you to achieve your goals, give you a sense of purpose and pride, enable you to recover more quickly from hardships, and enable you to make better decisions that benefit you. In other words, you will be more assertive and in control of your own life and destiny.
As with most things, the base level of self-esteem is created in childhood, so if yours was a childhood where you were often praised for your efforts and received positive, constructive feedback to help you develop, then it’s likely you have high self-esteem. If, however, you were often criticized, shamed, or told off for things you did wrong or for your efforts not being enough, then you will most likely find it much more difficult to feel a high level of self-esteem.
Thankfully, though, there are ways you can develop yours if you’re sensing that your self-esteem is low. If you’re not sure, then have a look at the most common signs of low self-esteem below:
- You always say negative, critical things to, or about, yourself.
- You make sarcastic or jokey comments to others about yourself.
- When things go wrong, even if they’re not your fault, you blame yourself.
- You always compare yourself, and always come to the conclusion that other people are better than you.
- You don’t take the time to recognize your good achievements or qualities because you don’t feel deserving.
- You are a people-pleaser who cannot stick to your boundaries.
Before we get into the solutions to develop your self-esteem, let’s have a look at the shadow side of doing so: what could having high levels of self-esteem mean for you and the people around you, and at what point does it turn from healthy pride for the self to arrogance or false aggrandizement?
The shadow side of self-esteem
As with everything in life, there is a light and a dark side, a positive and a negative. The shadow side always tells us something about who we are and can teach us valuable lessons throughout life. Self-development in all regards can lead to excessive self-indulgence, high regard, narcissism, arrogance, and potential belittlement of others. When it comes to self-esteem, when we become too wrapped up in our own achievements, positive traits, and accomplishments, we can easily begin to slip into the judgment of others.
It’s often said that one cannot be truly happy without high levels of self-esteem. However, there is a tipping point. There is a certain level of healthy comparison that exists between everyone; it’s normal to compare, but when this comparison shifts into jealousy and your self-esteem becomes rooted in being, doing, or having “better” than others, this is when you will be experiencing the shadow side.
It’s also important to recognize if your self-esteem is being based on others’ downfalls, rather than their successes—a term known as “schadenfreude.” This happens when we get enjoyment from others’ failures because it makes us feel better about ourselves. This is a very toxic mindset to have, although, of course, it’s often unintentional and is important to take into account when doing inner work to ensure you’re doing what you can to separate your own value, worth, and self-esteem from others.
How to develop self-esteem
The process of developing this is a lifelong journey of discovery and learning. The tools and tips given here will aid you on this journey, but it’s important to know that while it won’t be an overnight transformation, every single step you take towards loving and supporting yourself more will get you closer and closer to feeling confident, assured, and capable.
One: Start celebrating yourself
Rather than brushing past your achievements, no matter how small, start taking a few moments to recognize them. Buy yourself something you’ve wanted for a long time, treat yourself to a beautiful dinner, have a decadent bath – whatever it is that feels a little bit special, do it and enjoy every moment.
Two: Change your internal statements
This one takes a certain amount of awareness at the moment, but it’s important to try to start instantly shifting the statements you are using about yourself to more positive ones. When you have low self-esteem, you’ll notice that your internal dialogue is often one that’s negative, and many times you won’t even be aware that you’re saying derogatory comments to yourself.
It can really help to set a reminder on your phone to pop up throughout the day that will remind you to shift your perspective and turn your negative comments into positive ones.
Three: Say no
A classic sign of low self-esteem is being unable to say no and not having clear boundaries. To build up your self-esteem, start by figuring out what some of your boundaries are. You can start small. Perhaps set aside one hour in your day to do something only for you, and do not let anyone intrude on this. Stick to the boundary you’ve made, and the more you do this, the more you will learn to trust yourself and your word, and find it easier to start saying no to others when it’s not right for you.
Four: Gratitude and self-reflection
Practicing gratitude can really help, not only with self-esteem but with general positivity and happiness. As part of a daily morning or evening routine, it can be really beneficial to write down 3-5 things that you’re grateful for. To help with building self-esteem, at least 2 of these statements should be about something you’re proud of or grateful for about yourself. An example of a self-reflection statement to help with self-esteem is: “I am really proud of myself for passing the test today.” Or a gratitude statement might be, “I’m so grateful for my caring personality, I really pride myself on it.”
We all deserve to feel good about ourselves and our achievements but it’s not something that comes naturally to everyone due to upbringing, circumstance, and experience. It is, however, something we can all develop. The tips and ideas given in this article will help you to start the journey to more confidence and appreciation for yourself, leading you to live a happier and more successful life overall